One Bite At A Time

Psychologists say that smell can be tied to the strongest of emotions.  A dead skunk, a newly mown ball field, or a special perfume can each evoke disgust, joy, or total love and admiration.  Sometimes it can evoke all three simultaneously.  Okay, maybe the skunk skips the last one.

Having spent most of the last 15 years of my life supporting a radiology department at a hospital, I am still amazed what the smells of sick and injured individuals can conjure in the mind and heart.  An emergency exposes people to all kinds of suffering, most famously in trauma situations.  An ambulance delivering a crash victim that will not survive has it's own smell, one never forgotten.  Life changes fast.

However, it is the daily smells that can haunt over and over again.  The acrid smell of a jacket, so ingrained with cigarette smoke the only way to remove it is to burn the jacket, preferably outside.  An individual who drinks heavily every day can actually seem to sweat the alcohol their hardened liver can never burn off.  The smell of grease from a poor diet, sometimes fast food, sometimes self imposed, can actually make a E.R. room seem almost uninhabitable.  All three together are a scream for help with no sound whatsoever.

Exposure to this has led to one of my pet theories: Some people commit suicide one bite at a time.

Smoke, drink, and poor food are as deadly a combination as 90 MPH or a loaded revolver in the hands of the wrong person.  It just takes longer.

I was an eater.  I ate when stressed.  I ate for comfort.  I ate because it was time to eat.  I ate because I was lonely.  I ate because I was bored.  I ate because everyone else was, even if I had just eaten.

When I broke it down, I ate because I wasn't happy with me.  I wasn't handsome enough.  I wasn't popular.  I couldn't get the grades or the job I wanted.  I couldn't seem to find love.  I had to start with myself.

Even after being married to a wonderful woman, I still felt the same.  I didn't deserve her.  Trying to hold jobs that were not fit for me or my personality because I could make money.  And I ate to comfort myself from it.

Until I reached 265 pounds, and had the look of a walking heart attack or, given family history, stroke.  When I finally overcame the other silent killer, stubborness, and went to the doctor.  My blood pressure was 180/110.  I have seen dozens come in looking like I did.  Many never went back out.  Seeing someone your age, at the same stage of life, and knowing their life changed because of little decisions made long ago based on a feeling.

I still see them in our radiology images daily.  People wonder why they eat whatever they want and then wonder why they are obese.  I have 12 drinks a day and people used to think I was cool until I crashed the car.  Started smoking at 16 and now I have lung cancer.  Small decisions lead to big consequences.

We are duped by the beer companies with gorgeous people drinking beer who are "ready for whatever".  We see the Marlboro man and want the appeal he has to women.  We see McDonald's selling their food for a hug or a high five.  We want that, and sometimes never realize that to get those things you have to give them away, first.

I am still slightly obese.  I lost 85 pounds, gained back 40 pounds.  Now I am working to take it off again.  Lost almost 10 since the first of the year.  Small decisions lead to consequences.

Why I have to vent like this?  I don't know.  I just hope it helps someone.  We are at March Madness time in the world of sports.  A wonderful celebration of basketball.  Funny how those players don't look like us.

So...am I off base?