You Might Be...

I'm going to apologize up front.  I'm going to plagiarize the format, but some of the content has a kernel of truth, or the product of an active imagination.

-If dropping your pants in a parking lot before a ballgame seems totally natural, you might be an umpire.  Or an overserved tailgaiter.

-If you have tossed three generations of the same family out of the same game, and they were all on the field, you might be an umpire.

-If you tossed a father and a daughter out the same game and neither one was on the field, you might be an umpire.

-If the explanation for a particular call begins with, "I'm not sure what the thought process was, but hear me out.", you might be an umpire.

-When you get hit on all five pieces of equipment by foul balls in the same game, you might be an umpire.

-When you carry an I.D. on the field so they can identify the corpse if things go badly, you might be an umpire.

-When you identify bruises by the pitcher that threw the ball, you might be an umpire.  Might also be a catcher.

-Your reason for officiating is money for your kids and it ends up being a way to pay your alimony, you might be an umpire.

-You begin arguments with your wife with words, "On page 47 of the rule book...", you might be an umpire.

-When you call more strikes on your throws to the pitcher than on the pitcher's throws to the plate, you might be an umpire.

-When your dogs barks at you when you come home from work at a regular time instead of four hours later, you might be an umpire.

-When you brand new lawnmower is still new in July, you might be an umpire.

-When you've argued ball and strikes on Christmas morning, you might be an umpire.

-If a coach has ever asked you if his pitcher still has anything on his fastball, you might be an umpire.

-If you love the thought of being part of the game years after you should have left the field, you might be an umpire.

It takes a special person to do the job of calling balls and strikes, fair and foul, safe and out.  I have been privileged to be a part of it.  I look forward to a few more years before I have to walk away.